My thoughts, my emotions, my feelings, my imaginations, my opinions, my fears, my dreams...

Could be yours too...you never know!!!


Follow me in this Journey of Revelation and encourage me with your valuable opinions and comments...

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Through my eyes...

Her eyes met his, for the first time as they walked down the distance between them. “A smile could cover miles,” she believed. Embarrassingly she realised that she didn’t return the smile he threw at her. Was she weird to giggle on the first sight. Who cares! He wasn’t sure what to say, all he could do was to smile. She looked mostly like he thought, yet he watched her carefully.

Together, they sat by the water bed. Hot and humid, but the light breeze that touched them from the waters helped. With words spoken, they were knowing each other. Both wondered, how they had so much to talk about NOTHING! Yet, they laughed and giggled. With a backdrop of shimmering lights, a camera lens gave a cute click of their shadow overlooking them.

Two strangers, who never met or spoke before, on that full moon day, was talking about everything around except them. They knew, they were both deliberately speaking nothing about themselves. They were slowly recognising the common string they were tied up with. Till today, they were running away from it and today it has brought two complete strangers together. It was pulling them closer. What was it that bound them?

Memories… The memories they built within them were neither great to be cherished nor sweet enough to let them live away from it. Things of the past was haunting their present and they knew it was the same for the other too. And this was their binding force. The very memories they wanted to run away from had today played a fairy tale trick in their life. Fantasy, it may sound, was what they wanted and that was exactly what they were creating in this new-found relation.

He was getting acquainted to her memory book with every passing day. He turned the pages randomly and wasn’t comfortable with what he read. He would close the book often and made sure he wouldn’t open it too often. Why would someone open a chapter that brought in discomfort when there were so much better options, he believed. It was nothing different for her either. She purposefully kept his memory book closed as she too knew, the memories of today was much beautiful than those of the past.

Together they had made up their mind already to create a new book of Memories. They knew, what the pages should have. It would be a mix of friendship, love, fun, laughter and just a pinch of tears. This moment, this very moment was what they wanted to live. Without the pain of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow, they started living a today. They filled their book with pages of today; with a picture of the moments they shared on every page.

They knew, some day tomorrow… Wherever they would be, when they flip through these pages, it would only bring smiles. Neither they had explanations to the world around nor questions to the world within. They cared less and lived more. Deliberately, they avoided the questions of “What” and “How long”; instead asked “When” and “Where” and they stood by it. They treated every day of their life together as their last day. Hence, they left no room for regrets. They lived through them laughing out loud. Their book had more Emojis than any Whatsapp chat could have.

*

As I sat here smiling to their joy and crying to their tears, I knew they were right in their own way. Afterall, I wasn’t good to them all this while, rather, my predecessors were not just to them. Hence, they had all rights to be happy the way they were. There was No name for their relation; they didn’t want one. They felt it would bring confusions and will spoil the beauty of whatever they shared. The world was blind to understand and categorise them. But I knew it well, as I could see it good enough to realise the value of their togetherness.

I saw no ‘he’ or ‘she’. I saw two individuals creating a single soul through their dreams. I felt good as their life unfolded together. I was enjoying every moment of this new life witnessing everything they saw together. The dazzling lights, the shivering trees, the dancing waves kept me amused. The humid air, the cold breeze, the hushing sounds kept me obvious to the present. I loved to watch them build me up and then keep me close to their heart.

You might wonder, Who am I? I am the child of their life together. Born from their love and friendship, I was their beautiful creation. Every day they lived, I grew bigger and stronger. Their togetherness was my identity. Their relation was my foundation. I existed far away, yet lived within them. I am their breath and their life and you can call me their Memory, today’s memory… And this is through my eyes…

Signing off with lots of love and joy
Their loving Memory…

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

But, do I have...

Life seems fast and happening…but is this what I want…
Time to pause and think…For what is it that I want…
I knew, the world walked around with a fake face…
But, do I have all that it need, to live this phase…

The glittering lights and the bright shiny rooms…
The flashy clicks as the loud applauds booms…
I knew, the world was watching close with smiles…
But, do I have all that wish, to walk these miles…

Yes, I smiled and smiled as I walked forward…
As my heart pounded like a little coward…
I knew, the world would see nothing beneath…
But, do I have all that will, to just bequeath…

Everything anew as it masked within the real me…
As a quicker route to the time I yearned to see…
I knew, the world would frown on this change...
But, do I have all that heart to care, isn't that strange…  

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Can I, ever?

One fine day, he came up saying his ATM card got stuck in the machine and he urgently needed cash as his house power bill was not paid. He gave excuses for all suggestions to use credit card / cheque or direct bank teller. Bottom line, he was desperate for money.

Though, deeply in problems myself…I never could close eyes to anybody in distress, especially for money. I had gone through worse situations in life and always had some angel to lend me a hand…For this reason, I always felt, these were the moments where I could repay my gratitude to god for his invisible presence in my life… Shelling out the amount he needed would cringe me this month. Still…

I offered money, he declined. Next day, he mentioned that the power was disconnected at his residence and how difficult it was in this summer. He went on and on about sweating hard and how his health was taking a toll due the same. I felt bad, again. Forced him to take the money and he could return it as soon as he gets his ATM card back. Half minded, he agreed. I transferred the amount to him to collect from an exchange. He thanked me profusely.

Couple of days later, he called up deeply stressed out. His ATM has not reached yet, but he urgently need cash as his mother is sick back home. This time, he asked me if he can borrow some more money. I could only give him a part of the amount he needed. Shockingly, he asked me if I could spare any ornament that he could mortgage as it was emergency. “Afterall, it was the matter of own mother, anybody would want to do their best and that might have made him shed his ego and ask me,” I assumed. I couldn’t do it. Hence, I explained the situation to another friend and he too chipped in. Thus the problem got solved.

Within a week, my friend created a ruckus and got his money back. I felt bad for the boy, his mother is sick and he is forced to run around for money, especially when he has money unused in his account. “Everything will be alright, once ur ATM card gets delivered,” I consoled.

Within days, I realised… He had nothing more than his boasting dialogues. On the verge of legal cases, all he had was a negative bank account and credit cards. Shocking it was, but then… Similar people had already crossed my life, who had to boast just to survive. I was sympathetic for him.  

With all sympathy, things weren’t great for me either. As luck could have it, I needed the money urgently, if not all, atleast a part of it. I kept calling him and he disappeared. No calls, no chats…just disappeared into thin air. This went on for couple of months and I had almost lost hope in getting the money back… When one day, I called him from a colleague’s phone…

Voila, he answered the call.  Realising, I was clearly cheated, I couldn’t be calm any longer. I wanted an answer to WHY DID HE LIE TO ME… Suddenly, he said… “Please, I didn’t cheat you. I was not here. Do you know, my mother died and I am just back today after the rituals back home.”

Dumbstruck, I felt guilty to the core and so ashamed of myself. This man was in deep sorrow and I was so rude to him, I thought. I now could say nothing more. Apologising to him, I consoled him and expressed my condolences…

Days passed, it didn’t take much time for me to realise, “There was NO other bigger fool in the world than me…” His mother was all safe and sound and that #@$^&@%#$ had resorted to lies again; just to shut me off. He apologised to me for all the lies he had told me. Deeply regretting that he lied about his own mother, he explained how he fell into all this financial crisis and how he has not a single soul to help him anymore.

Its now more than 6 years since that day… He has still not returned the money.

I know, I would never get that money back. If I add up the amount I had spent on the telephone calls I made during this period…it would clear the amount he owe me. I would have forgotten about the money and would have just assumed that I gave it off as charity. But, I still call him and asks for it. For, HOW CAN I FORGIVE A MAN WHO LIED HIS OWN MOTHER’S DEATH… So, ritually, I call him every two months and listens to his statement that “HE HAS NO MONEY. HE HAS SO MANY LEGAL CASES AGAINST HIM…HE WILL GIVE ME MONEY WHEN HE HAVE IT”etc etc etc. I too remind him, “HOW CHEAP A PERSON HE WAS TO CHEAT ME AND TO EVEN STOOP TO SUCH LOW LEVEL AS TO DUPE HIS MOTHER’S DEATH”…

For, I can never forgive him…for the guilt I had gone through or the emotional stress he had put me in… He made me lose my trust in humanity, again… I could never ever trust another person’s tears…


Can I, ever?

Friday, May 12, 2017

Together, we grew...

With passing times, our love grew...

With ageing days, our trust grew...

With moving world, our life grew...

With loving hearts, our hopes grew...

Thank you, in the past one year, together we grew.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

And on and on...

Are you indebted to anybody in your life?

When someone asked this question, I didn’t have to think much… I knew the answer. For this life had by far shown be lots of realities and taken me through a roller coaster of experiences.  It was not easy to traverse; but was neither impossible. Me being alive is a sure enough proof to confirm what I said. So, I grew up with the experience that each year brought along with it to present me…Willingly or Unwillingly, I accepted almost everything and I am sure, I have done my best to do justice to anything that was bestowed on me.

Would it have been possible if some faces were absent in the book of my life? No, I doubt. I might not have survived more than 2-3 pages if not for the existence of these genuineness that held my hand during those dark days; the friendliness that pulled a prank during the fun days; the sympathy that gave me a shoulder to rest during those tiresome days…Yes, I am… I am indebted to someone; rather not one, but many…

For I believe, God loves me and he didn’t want me to face life alone…So he sent some of his creations to me, for me to realise the worth of this life…to help me get thru each day… This realisation makes me indebted to many…many people, many incidents, many objects that has been part of my life till date… Parents, grandparents etc can never be added into such a list as we shouldn’t be indebted to them but be obligated and responsible…

Here, as I sit today crossing many milestones of my living, I wanted to rewind my life and jot them down…As I was indebted to…
  1. The stranger who pulled me to safety when my life could have been traumatised…
  2. The voice that came out of my throat that saved me from the pranks of cruelty…
  3. The boy who loved the little girl who was just learning what was ‘love’…
  4. The road-side Romeo who helped me out of a disgraceful reputation…
  5. The heart that took over the responsibility to guide me thru the strange reality of the new land…
  6. The love that showed me the meaning of “true love”…
  7. The openness to lend a supporting hand when I stood all alone…
  8. The care that stood by when I almost gave up…
  9. The job that made me stand up on my feet…
  10. The marriage that taught me the value of my lost love…
  11. The selfishness that made me realise that expectations are reasons to get hurt…
  12. The tiny hand that wiped my tears and assured, “I am here for you…”
  13. The long waiting that made me want to live again and gave me hope…
  14. The time that was already past for me to know that there is more to come…
  15. The life, a gift of the almighty through my parents…to live and let live…

And on and on….

Thursday, April 20, 2017

But, for what...

Work has always been adventurous…She loved it for all its extremities. Working non-stop for even 24 hours never made her tired. Disrespectful colleagues or Unreasonable bosses, nothing mattered when she was working and at her desk…She loved it, as her job was never the same. Every single day, she faced a different face. Team-work, collaboration etc were only words to be learnt on books and at work it was one-on-one…And she excelled in it…

Ok, today, it’s a new face to handle. Her investigative mind was alert. She collected as much information before she went out into the field….She had already made up her mind, to be strong and steady in front of this new face she would be seeing soon. Reports on the person was not encouraging. Someone to be careful about, strict and unreasonable…She put on the BEWARE of him board and cautioned herself. She did not wanted to make any silly mistakes and bring in problems to her career…That’s all she wanted…

As she sat behind her desk, she watched this new face walking towards them…Being first time, her boss confirmed his identity… “Ohhhh, so is HE the ‘terror’ people were talking about?” He is so young…Her investigation on him was incomplete, she realized. She had foolishly assumed him to be an old, experienced man. But this one here, “Tall, Dark and handsome! Young, but still so much a terror, is he?”, thoughts kept flashing within her.

For all that she had heard of him, she did not want to get into any sort of trouble with him. She went on with her own business, working hard as always…but with extra care to not make mistakes. She had made up her mind to ignore…ignore his presence, his existence… It wasn’t easy…Strange was that, the more he stood there and observed the staffs, the more mismatch she felt…different from what she had heard of him. Friendly and smiling to all her team members, he was cracking jokes when the work was done…

As time passed, she noticed, he was clearly ignoring her too. As he laughed aloud with her co-workers, conversing in a language she was alien to, she thought, “Gosh, what a show off.” She was pissed off…

But, for what!!!

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Thank you...

You were pulling pranks, as I wondered
Was it a joke or were you serious!
I smiled with you and laughed on jokes…
Those that I knew for sure were to laugh…

You asked me for “Yes” or “No” answers…
I nodded my head with a “Yes” always…
Though my heart still meant to say,
No, not all answers can be “Yes” or “No”…

Not all days are bright and beautiful…
Little did others knew that it was same for me too…
But even during the dark and ugly days of reality…
I saw that you were there to hold me right…

With an open mind, you listened to me…
With an intelligent perspective, you guided me…
With a caring heart, you advised me…
For you knew, what was good for me…

Thanks to you for being there... 

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Slap him...

It’s not always easy to pretend all is well and life is going good. For a 8 year old girl, it was torturous to behave normal when she wasn’t. Still, she grew up with hundred times more maturity than any other girl of her age would have had. She felt that the burden of the whole world was her responsibility and she was to bear them without slightest whine. And she succeeded.
 
But the scar, that this made on her was immense and un-repairable damage was already done. She grew up into one of those “Give it all to me, I can take it” mode. People went on pouring and she went on taking it. She grew up into a woman and she still couldn’t stop herself from being so nor cud she control others from dumping on her. Life went on so.
 
Ask her, who her enemies are. She had none. Ask her, who her friends were. She wondered if there was atleast one. Every person she considered friend, at some point, showed proofs that they were never meant to be her friend. She did not want to trust people as her friends. Thus, opening up her problems to anyone was something close to impossible.
 
A recent open talk with her, revealed so many intricate emotions that she lived with. She is now a grown-up woman. I wanted to know, afterall, what could change her. Why was she never happy with anything that she had? What was it that she wanted that could make her feel happy. Not forgetting the bucket list, I started pondering deep into the human being she was or is. Remembering my bucket-list mission, I asked her…
 
If you were to die next minute. If nothing mattered anymore. What would you have wanted to do during the last minute.
 
She knew her answer… “The last minute, I would want to lie on his lap…tell him how much I loved him and say sorry for all the pain I gave him from the day we met…For all the mistakes I have done to him, knowingly or unknowingly…Kiss him goodbye and leave the world.”
 
Indeed, I too knew it…But this wasn’t something that had to wait for the last minute. She could do it any time. Just that, she had to pull her sleeves up and set her sail…Wonder, when she would do it…
 
I was not ready to leave it there. Pressing deeper into her thoughts, “Tell me girl, what would you want to do…”
 
As her body trembled…With a pause, her inner mind spoke. “I want to slap him”
 
‘Who him’ was never a question. I knew. It was true. For all that he had done or not done to her. She wanted to slap him. To let him know atleast 1% of the pain she had gone through. She knew, the slap might not hurt him physically, but it would ofcourse hurt his ego….
 
She clarified further, “I want to slap him in the public. I will cut open the mask he wears and always wore… atleast for him to see ‘how filthy and disgusting he was as a human being’ and to break the fa├žade he lived his life with.”
 
The bucket-list had got its first input….
 
Slap him…

Monday, March 13, 2017

Forever...

With eyes forlorn, she wandered...
In search of it, that she lost.
All agog about the glorious present…
Little did they knew that she was lost…

With aching heart, she yearned
In search of it, her life's cost.
All in praise for the life she was in…
Little did they knew that she was lost…

With bare foot, she walked...
In search of it, so she could boast.
All in the chase for the days that passed…
Little did they knew that she was lost…

For them, she let go of all she had…
Life, love and the hope to live.
For them, she stopped chasing dreams…
Alas, little did they knew, for her, she was lost…

Yet, there she stood…stuck to ground…
With chains they bound her with…
Heartfelt wish to break them off…
To let them know, they've lost her, forever... 

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

I am Me...

Woke up to a dozen forward messages on my WhatsApp wishing happy women’s day… More wishes on calls and thousands on Facebook… My morning actually went off in deleting and responding to most of these messages. Though, personally, I never liked wishing a Women’s day to anybody, I returned the courtesy people showed to me by wishing me. The rebel in me, as always, was boiling up. Sometimes, these silly things would blow my patience out and I start talking about the topic thru my eyes.

Women’s day … Wonder why this day was coined so and what was the real motive. As Wikipedia says, it was to commemorate the movement for women’s rights. Movements happened and is still happening, but what change has it made on a Woman, an average woman. Yes, it made changes, I wouldn’t deny it. But nothing had changed still, to a big amount of people around the world, especially the Asian sector. Women still gets beaten up, denied basic rights, abused and harassed and above everything is demeaned and treated as if she is NOT entitled to any Self-Respect.

Wishing and celebrating a day without any meaning; is this what a woman want? As I was going through the different colourful Women’s day images, remembered vaguely something that I had seen last year. In that, a man is dragging a woman by her hair with a caption, “Okay, Women’s day is over, You can go back to your kitchen.” Isn’t this the mentality of the majority we see. I agree, today’s women have progressed a lot above this. But, an average Asian woman like me, who grew up in an orthodox family has seen only the other side more.

Grew up listening to HOW a woman should behave, adjust, sacrifice…how she should be a good daughter, sister, student, wife, mother etc…But how many of us remember that to start with…SHE IS A WOMAN…a human being who would have her own wishes, dreams, aspirations…How many of you make sure that the women in your life is happy and content with what you are doing / not doing for them? How many of you feel that the women in your home should live and die happily and not unhappy and frustrated?

I am often misunderstood as a feminist just bcoz I don’t follow the norms that a woman is expected to follow. To love, respect, serve and sacrifice – COME WHAT MAY… I am not a feminist. I am not a man-hater. Neither I proclaim to be treated equally or be given more considerations. It’s just that I decided to tweak the norm in my way. “I love and respect men who loves and respects me…Men who believe in Give and Take…That’s all.” I am neither god nor an angel to forgive and forget and just go on giving just because I AM A WOMAN…And I realise this raises hundreds of brows around me and instigates advices / suggestions and lectures on Womanhood…

But today, instead of following a formality to wish fellow women…I would like to remind you that unless you are happy, you can never keep people around you happy…A safety warning in the aircraft says, first assist yourself and then assist your neighbour…Then, why in real life, it’s expected that the woman takes care of everybody else before herself.

“Be Happy, Do things that will keep you happy… Love yourself and spread Love… Enjoy your life and let others enjoy too…and treat yourself as an individual human being who has an equal chance to live this life happily, after all, there is only one life and live it to the fullest…Say to yourself, you are a woman with the right to be who you are… and not what others want u to be…”

As for me, remember, I love you, if you love me…and I hate you if you hate me…and trust me, I am absolutely fine if you hate me as it wouldn’t make it any difficult or contribute to my existence…I know, I know, I am very cheeky. But what to do…

I am Me…

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Not my time...


When it comes to working in a multinational company, people tend to face silly stupid instances in their life… I myself started my career in a completely diverse environment. Thankfully, I coped well. But then, things wouldn’t be as easy always. Many a times, I would listen to my boss and then wonder, what exactly he wants. I would end up either doing some goof-ups or shamelessly declare, I have NO idea on whatever he asked for….

She too was new to this multi-national culture. Coming from a small village in India, this foreign country had many surprise elements to bewilder her…Many a times, she would sadly look around not knowing what to do. ‘How to prove herself’ … was always the question…She made sure to be “always ready” to do all the tasks assigned to her…flawlessly…

That was exactly the reason why she rushed to get a table for 4 for Friday evening for her boss and friends to have Tea. When we want a tea; we would either make it ourself and drink or just pop by Pappu Chaiwaala and get a Karak tea…These high profile executives had style in everything. ‘To go for a tea, her boss wanted to book a table and arrange everything, one week in advance,’ she wondered. But, here, her boss has clearly asked her to “Book tea time for 4 at JG Club for Friday” and without any further questions, she will ensure he will have a remarkable evening.

Called up the JG Club hotel; personally spoke to Restaurant Manager and made sure the table is reserved.  She made it clear to them on how her boss would like the snacks and tea prepared. Afterall, she knew her boss well. A day before the D-day; being pro-active, she called up the hotel to confirm all arrangements were made properly and she was relieved. She was proud to have done a good job.

Just when her boss was leaving for the day, she reminded him…

“Boss, you tea time is confirmed.”
“Ok, good. Have you made sure its for 4.”
“Yes, Boss. Everything is set as per your taste.”
“Taste? What taste? By the by, which course was booked?
“Boss, since it is tea time, they will serve snacks or appetizers. But if you are planning for the dinner too, I can check on their set menu courses”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“About your table for 4 tomorrow at XX Hotel. It is booked for 4pm now. Unless you want it later in the day”
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT DID YOU BOOK? I ASKED FOR TEE TIME…T E E and not T E A.”
“T E E? What cuisine is that Boss?”
“Oh, Come-on. I asked to block a Tee time at the Golf Course tomorrow for me and my friends and you went on to book Chai for me? How crazy can you be?”
Golf? Tee? Hmm…?” She could utter not a word more. As clearly, she knew nothing about golf; forget Tee time… as her eyes went blank…She vaguely heard her boss laughing out…

“Hey, Paul. Did you hear this? I asked this girl to book for a tee-time and she went and booked a table for 4 to have Tea…”

Ok, now thank god. I am a joker now, but atleast not a jobless one…He has not lost his cool, yet. 'But? Now? What the hell is this? TEE time?', she wondered, What ever it is...she knew one thing for sure...

Not my time...

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Mission Bucket List...


Recently, while having a very jovial conversation with someone very close to heart…happened to start on the topic of wishes that he was yet to fulfil. Literally, he had his own bucket list ready for the future. I was amazed. Wow, a bucket of wishes… and a strong heart to make sure that they are all made reality. He said, “Everybody has wishes. I too have. Not so big or unreal, but yes I have one.”
 
I wanted to know them…after all, bucket list…the not so big list started rolling out and my eyes literally popped out. For sure, not unreal, but the list was long…and he was calling it not so big…I joked and made fun of it… But, I knew, if he had those, he will do it too. But amidst all the jokes, deep inside thoughts had already started rolling down…I was trying to think, what was my bucket list…
 
I was going blank… It was the same feeling when I was trying to master the art of Meditation. I always felt, I would never be able to meditate as I had a mind that kept flying off to the most unexpected routes. Still, that day, I had decided to try my luck at a session of meditation. When the instructor asked all of us to close our eyes and think of a happy moment; I SIMPLY went blank…
 
I kept thinking and I could not actually think of anything except the moment on the labour room when my little baby was placed against my chest as soon as he was out in the world… So, I ended up thinking of all those moments with him…His smile, his pranks etc as my happy moments… But, SERIOUSLY??? Am I so thankless that I was not happy with anything…
 
Ok, keeping off the thankless part…and going back to the main thing. My loved one has promised that he can help me in fulfilling my bucket list…But for that, I should first have one. So I need to make one. Soon…So next mission is to rack my brain. Go through all nook and corners of my memories. I might also need to sit for a one-on-one session with my heart and actually understand many things…
 
Now, this has got me thinking...I think I would need to put down some criterions to set this list up… 
  • Crazy Dreams...
  • Childhood fantasies…
  • Happiness quotient…
  • Romantic Memories…
  • Get-Back Times…
  • Share to care moments…
  • Adventurous Adrenaline Rushes…
Wow, that’s cool …to have my own bucket list… So, dear bucket list, here I am embarking on a new mission…to put it down…for good or for bad…for real or for dream…for life or for hibernation…I am gonna put it down…
 
Mission Bucket List…

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Bless you, baby...


Innocence…one thing that makes me still believe that this world is not all that bad…every time I go down in my mood swings…there is this one thing that raise my spirit up. After all, he is the purpose of my life today. One person, I have taken for granted…My sweetheart, my little son who is no longer little but is slowly growing up into a handsome boy…

The way he behave, at times I feel he is too immature. And some other times, his in-depth analysis of certain subjects really surprise me off. And these days, I am very seriously trying to control my behaviour towards him or rather trying to stop taking him for granted. Showing my frustration to him and not able to control my temper is taking me through a very bad guilt trip…

After all, he is that gem of a person who has wiped my tears and said, “Amma, don’t worry… don’t cry…I am with you na…I will never leave you. So don’t cry…Smileee”… When I was mourning appup’s sudden demise, the way he tried handling me was so overwhelming. “Amma, don’t be sad. Whenever you feel like sleeping on appupa’s lap, you can lie down on my lap and think it is appuppas. I can hug you so much that you will not miss appuppa. Don’t be sad Amma. Otherwise, appuppa will also be sad.”

How can a 8 year old boy say such things? I have wondered. Does he even realise the intensity of the words he speak? I have wondered. Can he be so matured to behave as if he is not my son, but my father? I have wondered.

The other day, I was back home after the farewell party for my boss. Somehow, I never enjoy Indian food from a five star restaurant. As they tend to literally kill the authentic Indian taste to match the spice/taste quotients of all the other nationalities. How can you have a Kadai Chicken immersed in sweetness. All the curries looked same with loads of tomato puree. Anyways, the food didn’t matter much then. The whole team being together to bid goodbye to our boss was the moment.

Anyways, at home, everybody wanted to know how the exotic restaurant that I had my evening. As expected, I let out my exasperation on spending 1000s for an Indian dinner which didn’t even soothe my taste buds..hehe!! As always, my son was the last one with his questions.

“Amma, how was your evening?"

“Good Baby, but I did not enjoy the food much.”

“Ohhh, so how much was the bill.” (Maybe, he overheard me getting ouwww over the huge bill)

“That was huge sweetheart. It was around XXXX.”

“OMG,” his usual self, “Ammaaaa, that is biggggg amount. Why did you waste so much money?”

“Baby, company paid for it, not me.”

“Still Amma. Why? You could have just given that money to your boss.”

“WHAT?”

“Yes Amma, you could have just given it to your boss. Poor man, he doesnot have a job now. Atleast he could use that money to buy food for his child.”

I was bursting with laughter. “Ohooo, baby…he already got a job. He will not be poor, don’t worry. What you said is true, we should not have wasted so much money. But still, he is not poor and he will have money for his child.”

“Ohhhhhh, Okkkkkkk… hmmmm…”, he was not completely convinced, I knew it.

“Still Amma, still you could have just given the money to him. Atleast he would have bought some gift for his child at the airport when he go to his country.”
Hahahahaha…he had his point…

Bless you, baby!!!

Monday, January 23, 2017

CONTROL+ALT+DELETE...


The trip was short and difficult…Finally, I faced the first obstacle…flying to my native place without having my Appups to meet me with his hug. Deliberately, stayed away from even roads that lead me to his home. Inspite of trying hard to keep myself completely busy with all the government works I had to handle; every now and then, I kept bursting into tears. Succeeded in staying off as much as possible from every single relatives too. Thanks to a dear old friend who was there by me thru every single day to take me around safe and sound.

Anyways, need more time…until I can go back to his home without him…

In the tiresome try to ignore the pain that was hurting me deep within, I was keeping myself busy with chores and other thoughts. But maybe, a negative mind could only bring in those sad pasts to get nostalgic. This trip again brought back those memories  which was kept deep within as "unwanted" past... Years back, I had made a similar trip to this city... with a heavy heart… something was bothering me that day. I really did not wanted to fly. Something said that things were not gonna be alright. My trip was so important and necessary for my health. But I felt, it might not be good for my life.

Feeling upset is not a bad thing. Not knowing what am I upset for was not a good feeling. That’s exactly what I had gone thru those days… I remember, with tears I had boarded the flight that night...and before long, I realised…I was losing my life from my own hands. Like the soft sand falling off; I was trying hard to hold on to my life till that day… The life that I had always wished for, the life I was enjoying…to love and be loved…

Maybe, the life that was never meant to be mine. Maybe, it was just a glimpse of WHAT I CANT GET… maybe…

With that one trip, I finally closed my treasure box of wishes and dreams…I accepted, rather agreed to accept someone else’ dream as mine. I had always known that it would not be an easy journey, thereafter…But…how would I have known that it would turn out to be an impossible one…with no return…

Today, its been years…I lost what I wanted the most... for the sake of others. Years later, they ridiculed, “NOBODY ASKED YOU TO SACRIFICE FOR US”…a bit too late, isn’t it…I had already made the choice to sacrifice my own happiness by burning someone else’s happiness too. At the end, what did anybody achieve? Why? Why is it always so, that someone’s happiness depended on burning another’s? In the rush to bring pride, to self, they forgot that the foundation of that fake pride was somebody’s tears…Afterall, what did they gain…what was it all for...

Trust me, if I am given a choice today to delete one moment off my life, that flight to my home city would be one...Atleast, I would have had a hope that things wouldn't have been so as it is today...If it was easy as a folder on your computer...to just delete...and remove it completely off the recycle bin too...Just press....

CONTROL+ALT+DELETE...

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Its time...


Its not an easy conversation. Whenever, I think of a trip to my native land, I get the shivers…Landing in that city was always running out to hug my Appups… and this time, there wud be no appups to pick me from airport nor to hug me and see me off. He had always tried to come to the airport to see me off. Though, I always asked him not to…

Now, I am in a tight situation. If I need to avoid another controversy with some close family, I would need to make up my mind and take the flight home. Close family ties are a curse at times. I never enjoyed the difficulties that came with the pleasure of having close family bondage. This was one such moment. With all heart, I wouldn’t want to do this trip. It was as if forcing down a rod through my throat. But…

Worst was to face the most feared. To see those roads, alleys and house that was my appup’s memory. Today, was not great. I value him and his words a lot. And today, he wanted me to face my fear. To visit appup’s home. The house that is just a building now. Even thinking about that cosy home now gives me tears. And he wanted me to go and visit it.

"Nooo, please, I am not ready”, I pleaded. “Please, if you care for me, please do it”, he pleaded too. “I cant, I am not ready,” I was going helpless. Tears were already overflowing and with a lump in the throat. I knew, he too couldn’t bear to see or hear me this way. But, what could I do. I was dreading the moment when I walk towards that lone house which will have a closed door and maybe loads of dry leaves all around. It was never so.

He continued, “You need to do it someday. Let it be today, so that will ease u a lot better. You will feel much better, trust me. Don’t you trust me?” I trusted him, with all heart, but…What he was asking me now was already cutting my heart apart. I wished I could scream out. I couldn’t… With tears, I wept hard, “I trust you, but I cant do it now. I cant do it all alone…” He wasn’t ready to leave the matter there, “Do you want me to come with you?”
 

I knew, he wanted to be with me when I do this trip…I also knew, he would need to make many compromises if he had to accompany me. Above all, I knew, he would happily go to any extend to be with me as I face my fear. To hold my hand and take me forward and open my eyes to reality…But, I couldn’t put him through those trouble now, when he himself was going through too much.

"No, its ok… I promise, I will go there… one day, but not this time. Pleaseee… We will travel together, next time, and will visit my appups together. I can do anything for you, but not this, atleast, not now…”

He gave in, “Ok, then we will go together…” He was calm. A storm was rolling within me and my tears couldn’t calm me yet.  “Don’t worry, we will do it together…You will be fine…” Hmmm… I will be fine…Afterall, time needs to heal my wounds, relieve my pain...and...
 

Its time…