My thoughts, my emotions, my feelings, my imaginations, my opinions, my fears, my dreams...

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Thursday, October 12, 2017

Dear Amma...

I know that I have hurt you immensely by being open about my pain. For first time ever in my life, I have been true to my own personal feelings. It might have come as a shock to you and you find it difficult to accept or agree. My mistake, that I always tried to fake my emotions; but believe me amma, it was always for to keep you away from any sorrow. You have always believed that whatever I did was for the right, then why not this time. Why are you not able to trust me and give me the chance to find happiness.

I never or would ever tell that my mother is a failure. You have been a successful mother to grow her kids in this way; that your children till date only try to ensure your happiness before their own. But as they say, nothing could be perfect. When you took care of the family, society and the public interests…you missed some small details. ‘My heart’ was one of it. Please don’t take what I am saying here as a blame or an argument…But it’s a truth I am being honest about…

My efforts to never hurt you, you misunderstood them as my happiness. Come what it be, whenever I hid any pain I had gone thru, it was always for the fear that it would hurt you. Maybe, I was immature to think so. Even when I faced the worst pain during childhood from our so-called relative, I never opened up to you and instead suffered within. The trauma that it brought to me as a child and a woman, you can never imagine. Still, finally when I had the courage to talk about it to you recently, I again tend to lighten up the topic so as to not stress you. It wasn’t bcoz I was not affected; But for me, I could bear the pain it had inflicted on me; but cud not bear to hurt you.

Today I can trust NO man and instead, I take up everything to myself. I behave like a man and does everything myself. I tried to do everything to keep you safe. I hid all the pain that I had gone through due dad’s irresponsibility or my husband’s fakeness. I felt it was better for me to handle it than put you under more pressure.

I never blamed you nor will I ever. I know that you grew up in that manner and I will not expect to see something in you that you urself has never seen. But it hurts me so badly that why am I not able to adjust and accept things that I am unhappy about, like I always did until today.

The agony I have put myself in now, the divorce procedure is not an enjoyment for me. Its an effort to bring in some peace in myself. If it was anything else, I could have got any pleasure without creating any issues to anybody. I could have lived a parallel life any time. But now, I feel, its time that I live my days without hiding, acting or adjusting.

I don’t want my son to learn that adjusting without being happy is acceptable. He should know, adjust only till the moment you are happy with it. If I am not happy, I can never keep anybody happy. I will only spoil my kid’s life. Its time for me to take care of myself and be happy. That will connect me more with the life. I am fighting a battle, with myself and with the people I care for the most. It hurts, it kills me.

I want my son to grow up into a humane human being. He should understand the value and importance of love. All that I am trying is to make him understand that and not to spoil his life. I am confident that I will do my best to bring the best out in him, ofcourse with his father’s support. And not with the fake pride he is trying to hold to show the world that all is well. All is NOT well. I am not well. I will do everything to ensure my son grows up happy and healthy and for that I should my own happiness.

U might not see what I am trying to show; but still, maybe someday. I don’t want to destroy anybody's life, neither my parents nor my husband neither mine. It took a lot of pain and courage for me to say many things in front of u all. You might never understand it, as its me who was affected. Your threshold of understanding, accepting and compromising is much higher than me, maybe. I am not saying your son-in-law is a bad person, I have never said that. But, we can never keep each other happy in its true sense. Him taking effort or me taking effort will always be temporary as it is not from heart but due force. Today or tomorrow, it will go back to what it was. I have seen him "ready to do anything" and then just flipping within days. You are seeing it just today. But the trust has been broken. Finding happiness in watching a movie or going to a restaurant is not whatI want amma. I want to be peaceful and feel no hatred within me. I have been living long with it ...for many people that came across my life. Nothing against you or anybody. But if i dont think about myself atleast now; my son will lose his mother to be a woman with no substance. I know you are worried about my future; but my future will be safe only if I am happy. I dont want to live facing disgust and hatred. For you, my words might sound meaningless, arrogant and selfish. For me, its about facing myself without fear of the world. I know, for this I will lose my whole family as I can see that. But from bottom of my heart, I am sorry for hurting you.

You don’t have to support me., but atleast try to understand me. For once, keep away all that you have learnt these years about the society and life and try to see your daughter the way she is. Today, I am not acting anymore. I am showing my sorrow, anger, frustration etc as it is. Be with me to change all this to happiness, the pure one. That’s all I need from you. Rest all the blocks and battles, I will fight. I cant fight against you, it will kill me. Please.

With lots of love... 

Sunday, October 1, 2017

I am MY Priority...

It takes a lot of courage to face some bitter facts about life. Each individual who are surviving in this competitive world; tend to take many things for granted. For their own convenience, many things are assumed and a self-confirmation is affirmed deep within that all that we have thought of is what the reality is. Things go fine as long as the pattern of life does not change and it goes through the same monotonous routine that one is so deeply used to. But the moment, the pattern is disrupted by any force, be internal or external… the possibilities for some new revelations are very high. Either it would break your self-affirmations or confirm that they were always right.

Personally, I was always loud about the fact that, I might never be understood as the real me. For the fake me seemed to be so real to the world around, that they might not even be ready to acknowledge that ‘what they see is not the real me.’ I have repeatedly heard from friends and others that, ‘What ever be, my family would stand by me.’ For some strange reason, I never could build such a confidence in me. No offences meant, but my family was always orthodox and could never come out of the constraints they grew up with. So, any negative factors were to be faced, I avoided confronting it publicly and rather found comfortability by adapting myself to the factor.

It hurt me or not, never mattered as my priority was my family and my parents and brother was my family. It never changed. Eventually my son too took his place in that list. In the course of life, at various stages, I gave up many things…Things that I felt would give me happiness…I left them to choose something else that was approvable by my family. Be it my education or my career or my life.

I left my education at a stage when it was growing beautifully to ward off some harsh difficulties away from my family. I ignored my dream career to satisfy and comfort my family’s fears. I cheated my love to keep safe my family’s pride. I never felt they were sacrifices and felt they were part of my responsibilities… Until…

For every person, there is a threshold of mental acceptance. To accept and adapt to anything, never meant that it would be lifelong. Even the strongest elastic could break with the worst force. As time flew, I could see that my elasticity was reducing and I was getting weaker by every other day. Tiny pieces of ME was keeping me together as I went on to accept and agree to everything that I was NOT happy about. Did I have choice, I never thought of one.

Recently, one fine day, the tiny connections broke, letting me loose. I didn’t have any more loose ends to tie me up strong enough to accept what I would not have accepted otherwise. I gave up. On myself, on those things I put up with and even to the life I was living… For the first time ever, I confronted the issue rather than pushing it below the sleeves.

Moments of realisation. All my life, I proclaimed that Maturity is when you expect only yourself at the end of the road…But the pain that gushed through me that specific day showed me that NO, I was not matured enough to practice what I always preached. At some deepest corner of my heart, I expected atleast one of them to see me as I am. I expected that there would be atleast on person to stand up for me. There would be that one person who would give me the courage and confidence to pass the dark phase of life…

Today, I am standing all alone. Amidst the very group of family who I always kept as my priority, I suddenly stood frozen, finding it difficult to accept some realities of life. I saw every single person standing up for one person or another. But saw none by my side. Repeatedly, I looked hard to prove myself that I am wrong and indeed there is someone with me.

With a hard heart, I realised…I was never a Priority… or atleast, I never could be one ever….  What you did for them, never mattered. All that mattered was their current priorities. What I missed was nothing compared to what I revealed now. I had decided to show them the real me and face the truth without a mask, and I was left stranded.

People say, never expect. But can love be ever done without expectations. Maybe, I am not so matured enough to be so as I had expectations. Not to stand by me but atleast for a word of understanding.

Today, I am in real form growing up or in the process to start accepting things in its true self. I stopped faking anything. I decided to confront and for that today I am standing in a battle field with my own family right across me. Maybe temporary for them, but I have decided not to give up any more. Not to give up happiness for whom I was never a priority. I love everybody a lot; but its time I love myself too. I want to assure myself that even if there is none, I am there for me. I might sound selfish and self-centered and arrogant. But, yes, I am…

I am MY Priority…

Sunday, September 17, 2017

God, be with me...

He is one of the most innocent kid I have ever seen. The most carefree and lucky go living child. The world could be shaking on one side and he might not even notice to care. But, if he missed his i-pad time, he would feel so depressed. But then, from this small one, I have heard many a times some real strong statements that made me think again and again. “Was he really saying that?” “Did he just say that?”… But before, I could even ponder on these questions, he would be back to his old self of being funny cheeky monkey.

Our mornings start with some really senseless conversations (yes, it was always senseless for atleast one of us) … While I was busy in the kitchen preparing breakfast, he would be sitting and having some silly questions or we would share anything that we remembered at that point.  Today, it was no special day. Just like any other day, we started off a normal early morning discussions. As he argued on the breakfast choices he had, I knew I had to shift his focus. Else he would go on crib on the Dosa he had to eat. I asked him a question that I had heard on the radio a day before. I told him that I wanted to see the perspective of a child in that context.

“Why do we say falling in love and why not rising in love?” and as always, he had an immediate answer.

“Amma, u see…. Love is a trap, and can anybody rise in a trap? People fall into traps… So its right to say Falling in Love…”

Dumbstruck, I spoke, “Hey, how can you say love is a trap. Love is a divine feeling baby. People feel happy and content in love. Yes, there could be pain. But if you are in love with the right person, then there is nothing more sweeter…”

“But amma, I don’t want to love or marry. Why take risk?”

“No, baby, its not so. As you grow up, you will understand how beautiful it is and you will be able to feel the goodness in it.”

“Yeah yeah, you got married to dad. And what happened? You fell in a trap. Where is dad loving you or where is you loving him? You both are not happy. Then why do you have to be in a trap. I don’t want to be in such a trap. Never”

Shocked, I wanted to cry… I realised the damage that an unhappy marriage had done on my son’s thought process. Years of my marriage was endured without LOVE for the sake of my child. I wanted him to live in a family. I wanted him not to see a broken marriage. But, I realised, how much ever we adults try hiding the truth, kids are observant about the reality. They see and notice what is real and what is fake. As a husband and wife, his parents never had any fights or arguments. Neither he saw the outpour of romance or love between them. He knew, things were not the way it was supposed to be….

I had to regain myself to not let him know my thought process. "Baby, not all relations are so. There is nothing wrong with amma's marriage. Its just that we are not like others. But that doesn't mean, all marriages are like ours. As you grow up, you will understand, what I meant. You will find that special person in your life, will fall in love and marry her and live happily ever after. Till then, never have such negative thoughts about anything."

I always wanted my son to grow up into a gentleman, a human being with love, care and passion to others. I wanted him to never hide his feelings and wanted to express his emotions. Maybe, there was a fear within me that the genes he might have inherited from his father could make him otherwise… People close to me always said, ‘He is still small. Don’t judge him.’ But, I kept worrying. With this conversation, my worry was taking a shape of reality.

I had to take my step. I wanted him to know that life and love is not a trap. Rather, it SHOULD NOT be a trap. People should have choices and should fight for their own happiness. If not till today, henceforth, his mother will fight for it. So should he or any other individual that could come into his life in the future. Only then, will he be able to respect other’s feelings and emotions.  I had to teach him this one big truth about life.

Finally, I made up my mind. I knew the step I gonna make now will break me apart. Will break many people around me. I might lose everything that I held close until today. But I had to do it. For myself and for my son. I would not want another female years later having the same complaints I had until today about life. I will do my bit now. Rest, let time decide. Let god decide what was in the destiny. But without doing my bit, I am no longer leaving my life to fate.

God, be with me…

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Question with no answer...

Many a times, I have wondered, why am I doing this again and again to myself. I keep portraying being happy, when in real I am nowhere near happiness. The vacation to India for my grandfather’s death anniversary added the last straw into my level of frustration. I keep ignoring things telling its not your problem, but theirs. Even the advice I got on this was always same. But then, how can it not be my problem, when I am supposed or rather expected to be part of them.

Its after years of my marriage that I knew that my mother in law was never happy with my marriage to his son. But, as it says, once after marriage everything should be ok. Afterall I had always tried to win her approval by giving my best in being a good daughter in law. As years passed by, I realised it was only bringing more negativity into me than any positivity in her towards me. She never liked me involving in “their” family matters and never liked any of the gifts that I would select and buy for her.

Constantly, I got her gifts, which with time, I started giving her an impression were her son’s selection and not mine. I could evidently see the way she flipped in her liking or disliking to any gift as per the person who selected the gift. It hurt, but I was trying to keep it off. As always, my husband took a back step, whenever I needed some sort of assurance or support to not take these things to heart. He kept flipping too, like a tennis ball from one court to another. I kept phrasing him, ‘Na ghar ka na ghaat ka.’ With time, me going to India became so minimal and rare that going to their place was close to none. My trips were always for a purpose and no travel prolonged for more than 3 days; mostly flying in and out within a span of 2-3days.

Anyways, this time, the travel was for 10days. Being the me, I proposed to go to her home and stay their for a day and then I could take my mother in law out for shopping etc (for she was always adamant to ensure that money was spent on her). The plan that I had proposed to her was to go over to her place and stay there and next day to visit a temple a bit away from her house to attend some family function. She said she will come back to me once she speak to her younger son.

Once reaching India, I called her to confirm the plan. Now, she had come up with a new plan that she wanted to be at the temple before 6am to see all temple rituals early morning. This sounded a bit too tricky considering the distance we might need to travel, getting a transportation, getting ready so early in morning etc (especially with the limited amenities that was in their house). I proposed to take a lodging near the temple and so that we could go there the previous night and stay. This would make it easier for both of us to get ready early morning and visit the temple fresh. She agreed and said again that she will come back to me on it.

4 days before the event, I called her up to confirm and to see if I can go ahead and arrange for lodging. She responded immediately, “You go and stay there. I will come with my son the next day. We have no problem getting up early and travelling.” Next statement was shocking more than surprising, “Between if you are planning to meet your mother in law in a hotel, then I am warning you, I will not come for the function.” I was taken aback by the way she put the whole thing in.

As I tried to talk to her, she went on with more of her tantrums and threatening of how a daughter in law should behave. She mentioned how she was accepting me inspite of all the flaws I had (her unhappiness was always for the fact that I came from a family who could offer no riches during marriage). I had had enough as I sternly responded, “If I can come to home and be there, I would surely come. But that will not be for fear of your threatening, but my personal wish. So please don’t try to threaten to make me do things. Same as you said, you don’t have to act any empathy or love to me, I am also no longer obliged to act.” She spat every swearing words she could and cut the call.

I sat there and cried as I saw the years that I had tried to please her and her sons to bring harmony and love in this relation. The whole thing was a failure. To add up,  my husband called to confirm how a daughter in law is expected to behave and whatever they did or did not do, I should be doing everything that the public would expect from me. I realised, this man could never stand up for neither his mother nor wife. He only knew to keep himself safe and his face clean in front of public. Why would I need to accept it again and again. “If there is a single soul back at your home who is waiting to see me, I will go. Can you assure me about even one such person?” I knew the answer and was not at all amused when he said, “It would be right that nobody is waiting for you there. But as a daughter in law, the people will ask why is the daughter in law not visiting and we would need to give an answer.”

I laughed. With a thud, I heard him disconnecting the call when I asked him my simple question. I knew, he would never have an answer…

“All expectations and duties would always be on the daughter in law and her to fulfil them. Isn’t it her right to expect something from her mother-in law? Can’t she expect a least bit of love or respect in return?”

Why can't I expect??? 

A Question with no answer...