My thoughts, my emotions, my feelings, my imaginations, my opinions, my fears, my dreams...

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Follow me in this Journey of Revelation and encourage me with your valuable opinions and comments...

Monday, January 29, 2018

OMG, I am addicted...


Nights always seemed to be those moments to lie down in bed and turn either side with frustration. Yes, it was so depressing that come what may, I just was not able to sleep, without waking up every 10 minutes. Thus, mornings turned more depressing and through the day, I would wish if I was in a bed to just doze off.

Strange that I would be soooo tired as I rush to the bed and then keep wondering ‘what the hell.’ The loud snores nearby, would get me more depressed and envious that how people were able to sleep so peacefully. With dubious intentions, I would scream or shout in the middle of the night. This gave a temporary relief to my ears and heart as someone’s snoring was interrupted. But it never took more than 30seconds for them to resume its function. To irritate me by making me jealous…

Enviously, I would look for ways to fall asleep. Listening to music, patting my own head, massaging my own forehead and what not. When nothing worked, then the thoughts started to wander. They went on and on weaving a thousand negative thoughts and again pushed me into another set of stressful fears and sorrows. I would feel self-pity, wondering ‘Why me?’

But…

Today, I am gleaming with peace. Rather excited of a new-found discovery. I am no longer waking up to wait for the alarm to ring off. Instead, I started feeling the faint noise of the alarm somewhere deep inside my senses and then slowly force to open my eyes to realise that the alarm needs to be asked to Shut-up. I was ecstatic that, I just had to hit the bed and in no time, was falling off asleep. Nothing woke me in the middle and I woke up only to the ‘pathetic’ alarm.

After years, I am now enjoying the luxury of sleep. Its peaceful and over-whelming. I was feeling proud as I was explaining to my mother on my achievement. She passed a sarcastic chuckle. I didn’t care, for only I knew the difference it made to me. To feel that you could sleep is one of those divine realisation that I have experienced in recent times.

I am sure, you too might be wondering, what is she blabbering so much about ‘sleep.’ Trust me, try to deprive yourself off sleep for couple of days and then get your sleep. You will understand what I mean.

Ok, now problem is not that. I am now sleeping enough or more than enough for an adult. But wonder my body thinks that they shud compensate for all the years of No sleep. For the more I sleep, the more I want to sleep… Turning lazy is another side effect, I assume. Sleeping is so addictive…

OMG, I am addicted…

Monday, January 8, 2018

Enlighted...

My son wanted me to teach a quote, for him to recite at his school assembly. Theme was ‘Respect.’ Lol, here, me who was stripped off of all respect, was put to a task to find an apt ‘Thought for the day’ for my son. Hence, as always, I googled. Lo and behold, what I found was indeed a revelation. An eye opener. Small thoughts, give large teachings. Large teachings result in vast learning.

Yes, with this one line, I learnt a lot. I understood why things happened the way it happened. I realised why I had to see those I never wanted to. I felt enlighted. I could feel the calm, sweet coldness of peace traversing through me. No more complaints. No more blame-games. Past is past. Present is here and the future will be welcomed. For now, I knew…. Proudly, I quoted those golden words with much erudition…

“People ONLY treat you one way,
The way you allow them…”

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Nothing is worth it...

New Year is just next door. Finally, it is time to put behind everything that I felt was not required for future. I lived through days and years with a false smile pasted on my face so as to not let those who I loved from seeing the pain I was going through. I felt, if they saw me cry, they will cry too. They will understand me and feel sad for me…Today, I can see the comedy in it. They were all only illusions of my heart to be living in a world of care and compassion.

Thus, I have decided to keep back some parts of my past as my past. That was a sweet term to say, “to keep back”; where I actually meant, “Throw away”. 
  • The tears that I held back hiding from the world.
  • The smiles I used to prevent hurting the others.
  • The blind love I bestowed on all that I cared for.
  • The blame of trying to portray a ‘Self-Victimiser’.
  • The negativity that a relation had dumped onto me.
  • The belief that somebody else will take care of you.
  • The thought that my happiness was not important.
  • The misconception that I would be understood.
  • The regrets that pressed me down the years.
  • The guilty conscience which dragged me to restlesness.
  • The over-confidence on my decisions being always right.
  • The relatives who cared for nothing but their own false pride.
  • The expectation of being anybody’s priority over everything else.
  • The fear of standing up for myself; against the pre-set standards.
As I step into the new year, I want to embrace the universal truth of life… Yes, I am fine, with the new tag of being 'Selfish', for I realise, 

“Nothing is worth it, if YOU are not happy” 

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Victim Player...

Those watery overflow of one’s eyes could bring either joy or sorrow to other. And, being a self-proclaimed strong woman, I wanted to give neither of this to the other on my expense. Yes, its true. I never let my tears to bring a smile to anyone who cared nothing about me. I never let my tears to bring tears to those who cared for me. That was me.

Today, I could hold no longer. I have reached a phase of life that my strength was just giving up on my will-power to hold back tears. I failed. The past few months, I have wasted those tears on some illusions that I had about life and those around me. I kept hearing taunts, “Stop Self-Victimising.” Is it so? Were those overflowing tears a parcel of self-victimising? Did I ever do that? Am I a living example of self-victimisation?

Me? A Victim Player?